I’m writing you now from the other side of a decision. It didn’t come about in the way that I’d expected, which I guess is to be expected with anything in life.
Fertility Issues are Not for the Faint of Heart
A lot has happened since the experience described in my last email where I sat down at a trendy café and forced myself to picture having a baby with an actual sperm donor from a list of potentials.
I decided to go ahead with having a baby alone, with my partner as a sperm donor (slightly awkward but necessary as he wasn’t quite ready yet)
I went through major drama with my completely horrible fertility clinic (we’re talking excessive pressure, inappropriate comments about other patients, ignoring my emails for MONTHS, etc.).
I got pregnant “spontaneously” – this is what they call it when it happens without intervention. The old-fashioned way as they say.
I went to parties and either shared my early but cautious news while I tried out all the best non-alcoholic wines on the market or told elaborate stories about my sobriety which usually ended with me sharing the cautious news with those close to me anyhow (I suck at hiding things).
I went for my first ultrasound, where the technician looked angry and asked me when I was meeting with my doctor. To which I answered, right after this appointment. To which she answered, Good. Not the best sign.
I walked up to my doctor’s office with fear in my heart, but also kept telling myself that I was prepared for this. I had been cautious in getting excited for good reason.
The doc took forever to meet with me while I sat in one of her yellow procedure rooms, with cheap mismatched artwork that clearly no one wanted in their homes.
She finally came in with a stack of instructions and a hospital registration package, letting me know that the ultrasound looked great! What the hell was the ultrasound technician on about (must have been about her and not about a missing heartbeat or lack of evidence of my little embryo – yay!)
I got a due date. I texted my guy. I bought a little something in a shop on the way home to commemorate, barely able to understand that this dream was real. We spent the weekend picking names and secretly smiling at each other, his hand finding its way to my belly as we slept.
Monday rolls around. The doctor calls me back. She got the detailed ultrasound and all was not well (was this somehow not apparent three days earlier?). I was going to miscarry, or I could choose to take a pill to miscarry. But my little spontaneous dream was no more. She was 95% sure.
I had another ultrasound so that I could be 100% sure. She was still only 95% sure, so I made an appointment to take the pill.
I didn’t have to take the pill. On Saturday around midnight I miscarried for 6 hours on the toilet, followed by two weeks of cramps and bleeding.
Two weeks later I was still fatter, but empty. Back to where I started, wondering if any of it even happened at all.
The Path Forward
It was traumatic and I know it’s so common for so many. I wish we talked about it more and I do talk about it whenever I can as I think we need to make it less dark and private and shameful (if we are the type of person that can handle that discussion of course).
But things aren’t exactly as they were before. For a brief moment, I thought I was going to be a mom and it all made sense. And my partner felt the excitement too. So I guess what’s changed is that I’ve now made a decision to try again, and my partner is fully on board. So that’s something.
I’m scared to try again. I’m scared for this disappointment. I’m scared to finally use my frozen eggs for fear that this “insurance” doesn’t pan out. I’m scared he’ll change his mind, or something will happen to change things again. I’m scared of so many things.
But I’m also relieved to have the next step. To know that I can get pregnant. To know that it was something I wanted at that moment.
It’s been quite a journey, and clearly not done. As change is a constant for all of us, I know that I just can’t predict what will happen next, but I’ll do my best to take steps towards the life I desire while being grateful for the wonderful things that exist in the life I have.
I have so much more to write about, but I’m going to put a pin in this blog for the time being, and focus on writing under my real name. This has all been a bit too raw to attach to my proper name up until this point, but I’m not sure it will stay that way. Stay tuned!
Having Kids or Not: There Will Always Be Regret
Some days I wake up and want one thing more than the other. My intuition regularly gets confused with my fears, but I carry on.
Some people know with every fibre of their being. Others understand that there are so many versions of a good life for each of us and that there will be regret with either decision. There will also be extreme joy and adventure and everything in between.
I wish you all the best on your journey to deciding whether motherhood is for you, and once you decide, I hope the path is as smooth as it can be.
But if it’s not smooth, and there will be those moments, I wish you strength and all of the moments of joy in between.
Keep up the hope! As Matt Haig repeats in his cozy blanket of a book The Comfort Book:
Nothing is stronger than a small hope that doesn’t give up.
Please continue to message me if you need any support! I’m still here…