A piece of box-mix funfetti cake, made by her, not intended for me, is currently on my plate. I bite into it, with its smooth, white and sinfully sugary icing; its celebratory dots of colour; fluffy and comforting consistency; and a feeling of warmth passes through me. And I realize that maybe, just maybe, she isn’t as bad as I thought.
I’ve always said that I had no issues with dating someone who had a kid of their own. As long as they were willing to have another. I mean logically it’s something you need to accept when dating in your late thirties, early forties. Otherwise the playing field gets very small.
I’ve dated a few guys with young kids. I’d start to get a little bit annoyed when they’d talk about the little tots all date long. I mean at that stage, they were just littles strangers I’d had yet to meet, that I really had no feelings for one way or another. It was all a bit uninteresting really, until of course they became little humans that I might actually consider meeting (i.e. I liked the guy enough), and as of yet, that hasn’t happened.
But now I’m dating Mr. Nice Guy, and he has a daughter. But not a little tot. Oh no, she’s a beautiful 15-year-old, and it’s causing me stress. Because there are some issues with dating a guy with an older kid:
- How does anyone bond with a teenage girl (especially when you act like a teenager most of the time yourself)? Teenagers are not at an impressionable age where my presence might actually be accepted as being some kind of parental figure. They’re almost ready to fly the coop. So I wont experience any of the bonding that might give me the satisfaction of being like a mother figure. Yet I’ll still have to share in the difficult bits (dealing with his ex, paying for someone that doesn’t think of me as family, sharing them with their dad). I guess if I fall in love with the guy, it will all be easier to grasp. But as of today, I don’t know her and I’m feeling like I never will at the age and stage of life she’s in.
- Will he want to go back to the beginning? Whenever I see a guy on a dating site with older kids, or more than one, I ask him whether or not he’s open to another. I just feel like a guy with one younger child might be interested in providing a sibling. But with older kids, they might feel like they are finally getting out of certain stages and the thought of going back to day one with a new child might be a scary proposition.
- How do I see her as something other than “The Other Woman”? I know. This sounds insane. But sometimes when he doesn’t answer the phone because he’s watching a movie, or making dinner or whatever with “her” it sort of feels like he’s spending time with another woman, and I get jealous. I crave that feeling when it’s just the two of you, and if a kid comes later, you’ve bonded over your relationship first. I shared these concerns with him and he had the best response: eventually if things moved forward, you two would meet and you would be within this little family instead of outside.
I was feeling really negative about it all last week, and then he dropped off a piece of this confetti cake made my his daughter. And I know she didn’t make it for me, or probably even know I was eating it. But it somehow made me feel happy and even a little connected to her. Who would have thought that a piece of cake could be a bit of an olive branch?
Now the ex is a story/issue for another day.
I think my plan moving forward is to not freak out and to try and sit with these feelings a bit. To take my time and focus on the man and not everything that comes with him. Once I’m sure about him, I can work out how I feel about the rest? My favourite phrase during this pandemic, when I feel my brain getting ahead of itself is, “That’s a problem for a different day!”
How do you deal with someone else’s kids? How do I get used to this? Any tips or tricks, send them my way!
Dating on a Deadline 
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