To be or not be a single parent (or maybe not be a parent at all)?

Where does one start to contemplate this decision?

Well things with The Neighbour have been heating up. He came over for wine and to “gossip about the people in the building” and we ended up making out like…well like people his age. In their 20s. When nights could still be late and consequences were not totally contemplated in the moment. Consequences be damned, he is a damn good kisser, and it’s a bit rare that you find a gem of a man who doesn’t mind kissing for hours, without it leading to sex.

Despite this little spark in my otherwise desolate romantic life, I’m still freaking the f*ck out about meeting someone in time. So back to the baby stuff for a beat. When I started looking into the egg freezing, it was required that I meet with a fertility-clinic approved counsellor to make sure that I was mentally game for whatever lay ahead. The woman I met with was like an old friend who had gone through her own set of fertility issues. So I decided to go back and see if I couldn’t work out this “should I be a single parent/freeze my eggs/become a Savvy Auntie” dilemma while I simultaneously dated like a madwoman.

Therapy should be mandatory adulting

Meeting the counsellor the second time around was again like meeting with an old friend. Until, of course, I had to hand over a cheque. I cried almost from the moment I sat down as I relayed all of my anxieties. She listened mostly, but then asked me a key question:

“What percentage surety do you think you need before you proceed with having a kid on your own?”

“I don’t know, 100%?”

She smiled knowingly. “Just to let you know…most people never get to 100%. Having a kid is a big, scary thing and at some point it’s a matter of throwing caution to the wind and making a decision. Or having that decision made for you. Most people are not at 100%. What percentage could you be comfortable with?

Photo by Victoria Borodinova on Pexels.com

“Maaaaybe 80% then?”

“And where would you say you are now?”

“I think I’m at about 60%.” You see choosing the difficulties that come with having a kid on your own is not an easy decision. If you become a single parent, you deal with it. But choosing to be one comes with a whole other set of considerations. It almost seems insane. Which of course decreases the percentage certainty by loads.

“Okay, so we are working at potentially getting you from a 60% to 80%…that 20% difference. Let’s focus on activities we can do to get you there.”

Activities. I like activities. Action. Things that bring me closer to something…anything. And out of the anxiety paralysis I often find myself in.

Getting comfortable with becoming a single parent by choice 

And here are the activities I’m going to take for a spin:

• Attending a single mother’s by choice support group (they have a picnic coming up)
• Read articles by other women going through this whole decision dilemma (namely read the Otherhood by Melanie Notkin – founder of Savvy Auntie)
• Follow-up with the fertility doctor (even though they pissed me off) just to keep tabs on things and look at other options
• Do some meditation around key questions: What will my life look like as a single parent? Do I want a relationship or a child more in this life? You know…very easy to answer questions. 

I think that’s enough for now. I still don’t feel certain about anything at all. But I also feel like the more information I get and the more questions I contemplate, the better chances they will all magically converge into a decision that is right for me:

Information + time + intuition = the right decision.

I’m off to a destination wedding this weekend – wish me luck. It’s a kid-friendly wedding at a kid-friendly resort and I’m in a “Group Chat” right now where one of my friends lucky enough to have kids is complaining about packing for said kids. I know…it’s all relative. We all have our things. I’m sure packing for kids is a nightmare. I can barely get myself out of the door. But some days it’s harder than others to not be annoyed by this. So I’m going to try to re-frame and see the positive. All I have to worry about is packing the right amount of Instagram-worthy outfits for myself.

Of course, in the middle of trying to figure out this single parent thing, I need/want to get better at dating, so one of my beach reads is  “Get the Guy” by dating “guru” Matthew Hussey.

What are you reading to get aces on the dating or figure out this whole single parent option situation?

Talk to you on the flip side!

Throw a girl a bone (specifically a rib) would ya? Bad Date 101.

In general I have this habit of falling hard for any guy that I feel an ounce of chemistry with. Lawyer Dude (the one who dumped me on the day that I’d gotten my low fertility scores) and I did not share this chemistry, so my emotions had not yet run deep. But I’m still feeling rejected. I mean I can’t really blame someone for not liking me. But I’m annoyed with the manner in which he ended things. A pre-requisite to access to any dating site should include dating etiquette 101.

Moving on. The next morning I jumped back on one of the 6 dating sites on which I have partial, barely-tended-to profiles. I wrote most of them years ago and when a thoughtful guy actually takes the time to reference something from my profile, I get a bit confused. I might need to focus a bit more on one site to get some real returns, but until then I decided to go on a date with a random guy who professes to like ribfests, works in advertising, and is pretty damn good looking.

Always have an exit strategy

I met with Ribfest Dude for drinks and had strategically booked a concert right after so that I had a good three-hour window after which I could disappear into the night. If he was cool, he could join me at the concert. Alas he went concert-less. Here are a few choice “overheard at dinner ” statements that took place, cementing his place in my bad-date hall-of-fame:

Me: So you like Ribfests?

Ribfest Dude: NO I hate them. Don’t even eat the ribs. I just hate entertaining at home in the summer and cleaning up and stuff so I just invite a bunch of people to ribfests and if they come, cool, if not, I don’t really need them as friends.

Intense.

Me: Politics, blah, blah, Trump, blah, blah, America and guns, blah blah.

Ribfest Dude: I think everyone should have a gun. This whole debate is so stupid. I’m all about guns. I have three of them. Stupid liberals don’t know what they’re talking about it. 

Bill please!!!

Me: I work for the BLANK right now.

Ribfest Dude: Oh let me tell you about the time my Grandfather used BLANK. You need to fix the system! It’s fucked. 

Okay I’ll get right on fixing the entire multi-billion dollar system on Monday. I’m a pretty important individual.

Needless to say in my retelling of this awesome evening, Ribfest Dude turned into Gun Guy and I resigned to the fact that I’d hit another dud.

After the gun talk I excused myself to the bathroom to decompress. I unloaded my bad date deets on another girl washing her hands and she assured me she had my back. I described where I was sitting and we planned an exit strategy for if I needed to get out of there earlier than anticipated. You know, like if he said he wanted to show me one of his fancy guns. I returned to the table and decided to just have fun with the whole thing.

Guns are good? Awesome haha. Oh yeah, my job sucks. Oh you!

I was actually kind of enjoying myself. It was like I was in an acting class. Finally it was time for my concert and I hightailed it out of there without too much drama. Later in the night I got a text from Gun Guy: Had a great time (insert 5 gun emojis). When can we do it again? I guess my attempts at getting through his ridiculousness with grace resulted in him feeling a connection between us.

I politely declined.

Lessons learned?

• Even a bad date can be fun if you put on a mask (this might be terrible advice…but will give you a good story! And life’s all about the stories, no?)
• Always have an exit strategy. And a back up exit strategy if guns are mentioned!
• Limit the first date to coffee. I seem to be incapable of doing this as I need the liquid courage, but I feel I would be way less tired by the whole process and save a lot of time if I just followed this rule

On the subway home I caught the eye of my next door neighbour. He walked up to me and smiled that charming smile he always gives me in the morning that sends my heart a flutter. He told me this morning in the elevator that it was his birthday. When I inquired about his age, I was reminded of why I’d not entertained any interest in him previously (other than the fact that “you shouldn’t shit where you eat” as the expression goes). He was over 10 years my junior.

“Twice in one day,” he said with a wink. “It must be my lucky day.” I’m sure I blushed and we walked back to our apartments together. As we both approached our separate doors and inserted our keys, I smiled at him seductively (I’d had a few).

“You should add me on Facebook,” I said, trying to convey a look of meaning.

“Oh yeah?” He replied raising one eyebrow.

“Yeah,” I replied and yelled out my long last name. I reasoned that if he could figure out how to spell my name with that quick shout out, he would totally deserve whatever comes next. It can’t do any harm right? No way this could turn into a disaster. Right? Enter The Neighbour into my dating lexicon.

Any “shit where you eat” stories to share?

 Onwards and upwards (or maybe actually sideways)…