Women in dating: the invisible years
The other day, a woman at work was recounting her daughter’s break up with her boyfriend of seven years. She was finally ready to get back into the dating world and had sent her Mom a dolled-up photo of herself the night prior, with the message that she was going on her first date from an online site. Later that evening, she followed up to say, “Now that was three hours I’ll never get back!” quickly followed by, “spinsterhood, here I come.” Or something similar. She’s 31. I rolled my eyes, hopefully internally. Ah to be 31 again. To still have the power. Because as I’ve come to know after hitting the target of 35 and to have almost reached the next MAJOR milestone, the years between 35 and 45 appear to be when women get lost in the dating pool. All of a sudden, no one can deny their biological clock. It’s so…damn…loud. All of the power of youth related to fertility is lost and men in a similar age range call the shots. I mean why would anyone date a ticking time bomb if they didn’t have to?
I know I sound a bit bitter and maybe that’s a bit how I’m feeling these days. Being smack dab in the middle of these lost years, feeling unwanted and undesirable and like I’ve misplaced my bargaining chip in the dating game. I meet so many guys who say that they’re not ready for a relationship and kids, in the middle of dumping you softly. It’s not you, it’s just your unrealistic timeline (which you don’t always state but they assume based on your age). But so many of those same men go on to meet someone five years younger, marry in under a year, and have a kid within two. But the 35-45 year old woman is tossed out at the gate, because let’s face it….guys don’t like the pressure. Boo hoo.
I’m starting to understand those girls that doctor their age on dating sites (I’ve currently altered my age by one year. It makes me feel like I’ve bought some time. Makes no sense at all but there it is). Wouldn’t it be awesome (in a George Orwell kind of way – so not actually) if there was some government declaration that stated that guys were not allowed to date anyone more than five years their junior? To avoid this large group of women that are aging-out of their reproductive years?
Changing the conversation
Even as women, we still talk in ways that make us feel better and other women feel worse about this whole fertility thing. This famous travel blogger I know posted an “I’m 37 and that’s okay…at least I’m not 40,” article as it related to her fertility. She was basically trying to make the point that statistics saying that a woman’s fertility dropped substantially after 35 were outdated, and that it’s really 40 you need to be worried about. Thanks babe! Now I feel real great about myself.
I wish we could all just acknowledge the clock. Acknowledge that it’s difficult. Take precautions if we’re really concerned, but stop comparing ourselves to each other. Because one day this blogger will be 40 and she might be alone without kids and, well, then what? She’ll compare herself to this recent blog she wrote and feel like shit. We have doctors to tell us the real deal. We have facts that we can use to make informed decisions. But beyond that, can we just be sensitive about how we talk to each other, and pump each other up with hope instead of comparing?
And then, there’s peri-menopause
One of the major things we don’t get talked to openly about as we’re growing up (alongside the realities of pregnancy) is that our periods change as we get older. It’s still so taboo to talk about periods, yet it’s a physical difficulty that half of the population is experiencing effects from for 1/4 of every month. Hint at anything related to it as a cause for your feeling “under the weather,” and guys will do this dramatic, “I don’t want to hear about it” bit. Get over yourself man! Women are still much the same, which isn’t doing us any favours. I get it. It’s not sexy. It’s not how women are supposed to be seen: smelling like roses and waking up all glowy and hair free, etc. Our standards are ridiculous.
Peri-menopause is a whole other joy that no one ever told me about, and it can start up to 10 years before menopause. Our period changes a few times in our life and this is a big one. Hormones shift, PMS gets worse, periods get heavier (a friend the other day described it as a monthly massacre), period pains get worse. One friend says that she spots so badly and randomly that she has to wear pads every day of the month. Fun. Another friend has cramps that are so painful that she has to take a day off of work every month as no pain killer can ease the discomfort. And yet no one talks about it. Add to that trying to date and pretend everything is okay. That you’re cool and sexy and up to get down anytime (because hey, if you don’t, there will be some girl 10 years younger who isn’t so “difficult”). It’s messed up. You kind of want to hide in a cave for 10 years sexually, and that’s not really going to help this whole wanting kids thing. So we really need to get our butts out of the sand and talk about this in a real way. Men’s stuff too, but definitely this.
You gotta have faith
I’m seeing a therapist right now that focuses on fertility and relationship issues. I’ve got them all! She keeps telling me those “exception” stories of people that meet late and end up having all the things, just in a different order. I told her that, despite these fairy tale stories, I’d lost hope. She reminded me gently that that was the worst thing I could do. I asked “well how does one keep up hope, amidst all of the uncertainty and the bad experiences etc.”
She replied, “you just need to keep on hoping, despite the odds. Suspend disbelief.”
I have all these excuses for losing hope. But she keeps reminding me that somehow I have to find at least a seed of hope or all is lost. Feels a bit like a catch 22 to me.
Gabrielle Bernstein (back to this “trust the universe” business) has a Universe prayer you can do every morning and Ima gonna try it.
“Universe, thank you for supporting me. I surrender my desires and expectations, and I pray for the highest good for all.”
You can find more on her morning practise for trusting that things are gonna work out here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7yiCMxp8Kw4
Until the next time I’m going to try to adopt a bit of a blind hope mentality!
How do you keep the hope???
Dating on a Deadline 
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